My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money.

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

I go running when I have to. When the ice cream truck is doing sixty.

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.

Is there a doctor in the house? My parents want me to marry you.

I just got my first bikini. It's a three-piece: a top, a botton, and a blindfold for you.

I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn't want to go, because I've put on like a hundred pounds.

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

I don't think I was funny until college. I lived with some Harvard MD/PhD students - they were so smart, and what I contributed to the house was, I was the funny one.

I get my sense of humor from my parents. That's why they don't have one anymore.

Moving continuously forward doesn’t necessarily get us to where we want to be, just somewhere other than where we started.

Purpose, and to be thoroughly wedded to that purpose, is three quarters of salvation.

I'm so glad we had that storm last week.

They climb the mountain like beasts, stupid and sweating; it seems that no one bothered to tell them that there are beautiful vistas along the way.

Never forget that God tests his real friends more severely than the lukewarm ones.

Opportunity does not always knock twice. You have to make some of your own opportunities and you have to go in and grab those.

If we give what we treasure most to a Being we love with all our hearts, if we can do that without expecting anything in return, then the world becomes a beautiful place.

I didn't know there was a dying-professor section at the bookstore.

The pathway to educational excellence lies within each school.

He that negotiates between God and man, As God's ambassador, the grand concerns Of judgment and of mercy, should beware Of lightness in his speech.