My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Ideas are one thing and what happens is another.

At ev'ry word a reputation dies.

A culture is in its finest flower before it begins to analyze itself.

I realized that health is the most important thing and that all the other things come with time if you are devoted enough.

I don't need my phone to play me music. I need it to be a phone and an e-mail thing.

We deserved to lose and it was a good result for us, considering the way we played in the second half.

Treat unhappiness as a defect and fewer would embrace it.

I am not very introspective.

Put All of your Energy & Attention into Visualizing ... It's then that Doors Begin to Open for You

Tis our fast intent To shake all cares and business from our age, Conferring them on younger strengths, while we Unburdened crawl toward death.