My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

She was made mostly of coffee and empty spaces.

Maybe I am just an old fool with foolish thoughts, but those foolish thoughts allow this old fool to sleep quite comfortably at night.

I am but a firefly caught in his jar and when he looks at me, I can’t help but glow.

Progress far from consisting in change depends on retentiveness. Those who cannot remember the past are content to repeat it.

In the last analysis, a pickle is a cucumber with experience.

Men like the kings and the queens because men are weak! No strong man accepts any king or queen!

The problem with our deficit is not because Americans are taxed too little. The problem with the deficit is because Washington spends too much money. We have got to stop spending money we don't have.

I have seen the vision and for self I cannot live; Life is less than worthless till my all I give.

That is not it at all, That is not what I meant, at all.

Wit is brushwood; judgment, timber; the one gives the greatest flame, the other yields the most durable heat; and both meeting make the best fire.