My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.

I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.

You think I'm a fool?" demanded Harry."No, I think you're like James, " said Lupin, "who would have regarded it as the height of dishonor to mistrust his friends.

Your Eyes, they talk to the Soul!

To have a successful marriage, a man must, on a fundamental level be scared shitless of his wife.

The sooner you step away from your comfort zone, the sooner you'll realize that it wasn't really all that comfortable.

His mind of man, a secret makes I meet him with a start he carries a circumference in which I have no part.

Don't forget, I've been fired by studios; I'm not the studio's guy. I'm a guy who can work with studios, but if you ask any studio, I stand up to these people.

When I was young I felt really overwhelmed and confused by the desire not to end up in an office, doing something I didn't believe in.

While acting is what I do for a living, activism is what I do to stay alive.

There is nothing to fear other than my mind.

That was the beginning of modern acting for me. You don't have to tell a camera everything. It gets bored if you do and wants to look elsewhere.