My mother phones daily to ask "Did you just try to reach me?" When I reply no she adds "So if you're not too busy call me while I'm still alive " . . . and hangs up.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

When Death has a story to tell

Just to keep up with population growth, on average our economy needs to be adding about 125,000 jobs per month.

If our young people could but glimpse it, it would be the most powerful spiritual motivation of their lives!

What are you so mad about? That we still have a government? We still have “traffic lights.” We’re sorry. The government’s not perfect, but some people wish it was better, not gone.

I'm not a woman whose self-worth comes from her dress size.

When I make an American movie it's going to come out all over the world-it doesn't happen the same way for an Italian film or a French film.

You got to choose between tightening your belt or losing your pants.

Vampire. Dangerous. Unknowable. Seriously creepy. This one's name was Constantine. We'd met before.

I am a man of contradictions, I suppose.

Men travel faster now, but I do not know if they go to better things.