My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

I've had a few arguments with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? While you're carrying a grudge, they're out dancing.

My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"

I found out that if you made people laugh, they like you. Most people got to like me because I made them laugh. When they didn't, I hit them.

I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart.

Don't carry a grudge. While you're carrying the grudge, the other guys's out there dancing.

Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.

There have always been mixed emotions about Howard Cosell: Some people hate him like poison; and other people just hate him regular.

I have the gift of laughter. I can make people laugh at will. In good times and in bad. And that I don't question. It was a gift from God.

When I do an hour-and-a-half show, if I don't improvise 20 minutes worth of new material each night, I feel I've let myself down.

Hypocrites in the Church? Yes, and in the lodge and at the home. Don't hunt through the Church for a hypocrite. Go home and look in the mirror. Hypocrites? Yes. See that you make the number one less.

We are increasingly likely to find ourselves in places with background music. No composers have thought to write for these modern spaces, which represent 30% of our musical experience.

Scientists say because of global warming they expect the world's oceans to rise four and a half feet. The scientists say this can mean only one thing: Gary Coleman is going to drown.

Fall, then figure out what to do on the way down.

From their maneuvers and their terrific speed I am certain their flight performance was greater than any aircraft known today.

There are more consequences to a shipwreck than the underwriters notice.

Plan and execute your first failure so that you no longer have to fear it.

Creativity is an unending exercise in uncertainty.

Fundamental preparation is always effective. Work on those parts of your game that are fundamentally weak.

My focus is not on any one particular election or any one particular candidate. My focus is on the issues and policy that will make a difference expanding opportunity.