My mother sent me to psychiatrists since the age of four because she didnt think little boys should be sad. When my brother was born, I stared out the window for days. Can you imagine that?

What's real? What's not? That's what I do in my act, test how other people deal with reality.

I see the world as an illusion, and we shouldn't take ourselves so seriously

As they say in my country, the only thing that separates us from the animals is mindless superstition and pointless ritual.

There's no way to describe what I do. It's just me.

I never told a joke in my life.

When I perform, it's very personal. I'm sharing things I like, inviting the audience into my room.

The critics try to intellectualize my material. There's no satire involved. Satire is a concept that can only be understood by adults. My stuff is straight, for people of all ages.

I just want real reactions. I want people to laugh from the gut, be sad from the gut - or get angry from the gut.

Theres no drama like wrestling.

That was part of the whole original concept. We were thinking, it's off-season, let's do a really fun, local-oriented event, raise money for good causes and bring some music to the valley.

By the time I'm nine I know the world is a dangerous place.  I've heard whispers about razorblades in apples, about Charlie Manson and his family.  But no one is offering any clear information.

Positive thinking will ultimately enable you to live a positive life. So think positively.

I'm not in politics. I'm really not a public figure. But I'm trying to be a little more cognizant of my surroundings.

Winning 'The Apprentice' changed my life in ways I could never have imagined. It has been an amazing experience working for Donald Trump and I am very grateful for the whole opportunity.

Sweet tastes have sour closes; and he repents on thorns that sleeps in beds of roses.

In life you don't get everything you pay for, but you must pay for everything you get.

A radiant fellowship of the fallen.

It's nice when the movie is not on your shoulders, too. It's fun to do a smaller part sometimes.

I tried spinning around in a chair to impress a girl.

I saw a sign in Boulder. It said, 'Live Music and Darts.' Chicken wire isn't going to help at all.