My mother told me 'man on top, woman underneath.' For years my husband & I slept in bunk beds.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

A time is coming when the whole round world will know that God reigns and that God is Love, when hell and heaven, life and death, sin and salvation, will be read and understood aright at last.

Fate is for the weak--those people who don't have enough power or will to shape life into what they need it to be.

It is not just do do do. It is not just be be be. It is do be do be do.

The black population now consists of two distinct classes-the middle class and the poor.

Influence is not the same as authority. Authority can be abused by influence gives.

I love [my parents], but what if I could really talk to them? I mean, what if they had some answers? Or would that just be too weird?

I don't like the royal family, I don't like the establishment, I don't like the civil service.

People's lives are forever controlled by two emotions: fear and greed.

I am hard on myself. But isn't it better to be honest about these things before someone else can use them against you? Before someone else can break your heart? Isn't it better to break it yourself?