My mother was a very elegant woman. When a flying saucer landed on the lawn, she turned it over to see if it was Wedgwood.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

All those who offer an opinion on any doubtful point should first clear their minds of every sentiment of dislike, friendship, anger or pity.

So you're not going to speak tonight," Tessa said. "At all." "Not unless you instruct me to," said Will. "This evening sounds as if it might be better than I thought.

That's the beauty of life, the uncertainty that we experience, literally, as we go about our day-to-day activities. We're not certain of anything, so fear comes up very often. Fear comes naturally.

When I was a child I had a crush on Abraham Lincoln. Why I would choose to reveal this, I know not.

I'm not a star, man. If a guy came in here and shot you and shot me, we'd both be two dead people. You understand?

Regardless of the moral issue, dishonesty in advertising has proved very unprofitable

Gentlemen can now only behave as such, or be tolerated as such, in circumstances that are manifestly contrived or unreal.

A philosopher is a man who can look at an empty glass with a smile.

I love to sing, so I just figured that I was going to sing or something.

Liberty, then, about which so many volumes have been written is, when accurately defined, only the power of acting.