My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.

Close cycles. Not because of pride or arrogance, but because that no longer fits your life

I grew up in an immigrant neighborhood. We just knew the rule was you're going to have to work twice as hard.

Viruses don't just make us sick. They can actually sometimes end up in our genomes.

Nothing makes the earth seem so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.

Like anything, you've gotta find the humanity in the characters.

I love talking about women because they are a constant study and you're always learning.

We can all be grateful that there is a place like (University of) North Texas! North Texas has been unique among schools in the country that offer jazz studies . . . quality!

My mother really didn't know a heck of a lot about business. She was a very good mother, that made sure we ate right and we had our cod liver oil, but didn't know a heck of a lot about what I did.

Tis the eye of childhood that fears a painted devil.