My mother was the worst cook ever. In school, when we traded lunches, I had to throw in an article of clothing.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.

I was a ballerina. I had to quit after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen

You can only hide the sun for so long.

If you see an old man talking to himself, he might not be a fool or crazy. He might be sharing a conversation with the past, warmed by a memory he need not reveal.

The nurses did their best to spruce up the antiseptic corridors but the smell of pine boughs was overpowered by Pine Sol and no one paused beneath the mistletoe on the contagious ward.

Many of us are alarmed at the skyrocketing cost of medical care, including patients, who are the consumers. However, medical malpractice is not the reason for these increasing costs.

Dictators free themselves by enslaving others. They work not for your benefit, but their own.

Compromise and tolerance are magic words. It took me 40 years to become philosophical.

Jack," said Charles, "he's making up words again." "Yes," Jack replied, "but he's getting better at it, don't you think?

Last night when I was commenting on the FBI and the CIA, the sound went off for 27 minutes. I should have known better.

If you're telling a story it's always best not to play the ending.

We expect that 25 years from now, the use of racial preferences will no longer be necessary to further the interest approved today.