My nephew's always crying. I'm like, 'Dude, why are you crying? Your life is great. All you do is eat apple sauce and take dumps. That's your day.

I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant...because I believe in myself.

When people go through something rough in life, they say, "I'm taking it one day at a time." Yes, so is everybody. Because that's how time works.

I like burritos more than Jesus because steak burritos are delicious. And they're real.

I applied for a job at Starbucks. One of the questions was, 'Why do you want to work at Starbucks?' Uh, because my life is in shambles.

I have weird aspirations. Like, I really want to kick a pigeon.

I want to just at least make it weird for you to watch Cosby Show reruns.

Don't thank the lord, I gave you that compliment... Thank me.

I don't want to die before Will Smith 'cause then I miss that awesome 'Fresh Prince of Bel-Air' marathon.

Acting is fun; it's easier than writing, and if you get on a [TV] show, it draws people to your stand-up. That's ultimately what I'd like to do.

There have been times I've been out, and my phone battery is at nine percent, and I was like, 'Time to go home.'

You are not abandoned until you feel that you are! - On Being Abandoned.

Wisdom comes from intent, experience, and finding courage.

The more closely we see ourselves being watched by our enemies, the more time intent we should be to avoid their slanders.

We all, as human beings, have different layers, and if we become one-dimensional or really superficial, then I still think there are things that happened that got us to that place.

Still she haunts me, phantomwise, Alice moving under skies Never seen by waking eyes.

Remember that the sole life which a man can lose is that which he is living at the moment.

I should never seek a job in my life, my mission in life is to create jobs. I am not a job seeker, I am a job giver.

I do not fault anyone else who makes choices to play characters that they wished they hadn't... Because at the end of the day, none of us are happy with our jobs all the time.

I would rather die upon yonder gallows, than live in slavery.

People who create art would be fools to assume they know exactly what people are going to think of it.