My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.

I am unconcerned with what yesterday has left behind, but rather what tomorrow will bring.

If this is where you ask me to run around in my birthday suit, I’m not entirely comfortable with that, ” I said, smirking.

To dwellers in a wood, almost every species of tree has its voice as well as its feature.

Maybe that's the whole teen oeuvre, you know covering people in disgusting bodily fluids and whatnot.

As long as there are living human beings, there will be language and stories.

Every where the years bring to all enough of sin and sorrow; but in slavery the very dawn of life is darkened by these shadows

Reality is a dirty word for me, I know it isn't for most people, but I am not interested. There's too much of it about.

Intelligence collection has been given an additional bureaucracy to correct the problems created by too much bureaucracy in intelligence collection.

Hanging and wiving goes by destiny.