My old friend Jack Benny has only had one ball all his golfing life. And now he's lost it. The string came off!

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

I promised to touch your soul. I never said it would be painless.

If there is a God, atheism must seem to Him as less of an insult than religion.

You can't keep the birds of sadness from flying over your head, but you can keep them from nesting in your hair.

Sometimes, it will never make sense until you find the right path that makes sense to you and no one else.

I'm tired of being what everyone else wants.Tomorrow, I'm going to be what I want for a change.I'm going to be a rainbow.Now that's different!

You have to do your own growing no matter how tall your grandfather was.

A saint is a sinner who loves; it's that simple!

Love is the only thing in the world worth having. You must never loose it or give it away. We must never let them take it from us.

'American Idol' has taken over my whole life.

I don't believe in the concept that 3D should be shot separately. I mean, every director has their own style, sure, but I don't think any of that is really an issue with 3D.