My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

You can never replace someone you love like that. Eventually the memories won’t be so hard on you. With time, the memories will make you smile and you will be grateful for having them.

It's amazing living alone. I'm very lucky. It's like a refuge.

An empty canvas is full.

After my screen test, the director clapped his hands gleefully and yelled: “She can't talk! She can't act! She's sensational!”

I put before you the one great thing to love on earth: the Blessed Sacrament.

Some of my youthful readers are developing wonderful imaginations. This pleases me.

Forget the idea that inspiration will come to you like a flash of lightning. It's much more about hard graft.

Either lead or follow, but please don’t block the road for those who move forward

Egolessness is contentment.

I believe in my God-given athletic ability and the coaches that have been blessed around me. I believe I can do the job as a quarterback in the NFL.