My only goal is to make you laugh, not tell you the truth.

If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

You can't fix stupid. There's not a pill you can take, or a class you can go to.

You can't fix stupid.

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.

I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.

In Texas, we have the death penalty, and we use it. That's right. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!

The path back home is often the most difficult journey of all.

But alas, they are all sadly deficient, because they leave us under the domination of political and religious prejudices; and they are as inefficient as the sleepy dose of an ordinary sermon.

I was fortunate enough to work under directors who were, most of them, brilliant, emotional men.

I worked in salons, where you do learn the basic sort of thing. But I didn't know anything about the kinds of things I'm doing now. I learned how to put hot-rollers in.

Evidently the merit depends on the result of the work.

If you don’t intend having a compromise, you don’t negotiate at all.

The world we want is an enormous responsibility.

My dad has never once told me after a fight that I did well.

Something significant has been lost.

Fortunately, the Canadian people in all their habits, are essentially a temperate people.