My only regret in the theater is that I could never sit out front and watch me.

A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.

Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open.

I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o clock in the morning.

When archaeologists discover the missing arms of Venus de Milo, they will find she was wearing boxing gloves.

The trouble with life is that there are so many beautiful women and so little time.

America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin For one dollar and use it up in two weeks.

Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.

You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.

There is something about a closet that makes a skeleton terribly restless.

My wife was too beautiful for words, but not for arguments.

If you ever need to confirm that a girl is worth coming back from Hell for, show her your monster arm and see what she says.

Most priests wish they were as righteous as they seem to most members of their congregations.

Minerva, kindly go to Hagrid's house, where you will find a large black dog sitting in the pumpkin patch. Take the dog to my office, tell him I will be with him shortly, then come back here.

The more moral you pretend to be, the less moral you are; the less moral you try to be, the more moral you are.

Without question, I wake every night five times.

I'm not singing anymore; that is why I am so pleased to be writing. My daughter said, "You just found a different way of using your voice."

The future of narrative? Built in, part of the human template. Not going away.

Our culture is ill-equipped to assert the bourgeois values which would be the salvation of the under-class, because we have lost those values ourselves.

The highest things, the things that really matter, we cannot achieve on our own; we have to accept them as gifts and enter in to the dynamic of the gift, so to speak.

I bought a dog the other day. . . . I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. . . . "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.