My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

To live is to war with trolls.

People love a happy ending. So every episode, I will explain once again that I don't like people. And then Mal will shoot someone. Someone we like. And their puppy.

Life is like a painting

Their fate rested entirely on me. I could save them by telling the truth. I could destroy them by lying. No one should have that much power.

You know who you are. You have always been other.

My job starts at a quarter to seven in the morning, and you go right through until whatever time is necessary to finish up.

I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

I am a professional. At the circuit I am calm. At home I am very different.

Be able to cite three good qualities of every relative or acquaintance that you dislike.

The needs of a society determine its ethics.