My original goal was just to do stand-up but then I became interested in films - writing a film, shooting one someday, and getting to act in them.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Knowledge comes naturally with studying, and with God's touch, instantly. Wisdom comes naturally with age, and with God's touch, immediately.

Self-sacrifice enables us to sacrifice other people without blushing.

Liberals want the government to get bigger, and they want you to drive smaller cars, and they want to dictate the way you live.

Sometimes indifference can be so erotic. I think the people who are most dismissive of you get the most of your attention.

It's the referee's job. It's not for me to have to say I should ease up.

I cannot stand public attention, I just can't. Of course, if I may I might write something instead

They remember me as this shy girl sitting under the table. But they obviously didn't know what was going on in my head.

Instinct taught me 20 years ago to pace a song or a concert performance. That translates into pacing a story, pleasing a reading audience.

I'm sorry my existence is not very noble or sublime.

A day without blood is like a day without sunshine!