My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Pray until you can pray. And when you can pray, keep praying.

It is sad to grow old but nice to ripen.

If you don't know your worth, if you don't know your value, if you don't know how fantabulous you are - it's going to be hard for other people to see it. Being appreciative of self is beauty to me.

Habit with it's iron sinews, clasps us and leads us day by day.

Everyone suffers some injustice in life, and what better motivation than to help others not suffer in the same way.

Motivation is a lotta crap.

Nobody is ever met at the airport when beginning a new adventure. It's just not done.

Self-education is, I firmly believe, the only kind of education there is. The only function of a school is to make self-education easier; failing that, it does nothing.

I tried to tell you that it's not Spade in there." "You could have tried harder. I absolutely never needed to know that Ian was pierced down there.

He who cheats with an oath acknowledges that he is afraid of his enemy, but that he thinks little of God.