My own personal rule is to tell jokes that I think the person I'm making them about can laugh at, to go home and tell their family, oh, my gosh.

My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped into my brain.

Life is short. You have to be able to laugh at our pain or we never move on.

Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.

I've actually tried to roast somebody that I don't like, and it doesn't go well. Either they're a bad sport or I'm not as funny as I could be.

When I see a good singer, I get teary-eyed. Part of it is jealousy because all comedians are frustrated rock stars. That's a fact.

How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain?

I've always liked cops, as much as you can like a group of people, you know? Sure, I've been hassled, but I'm a white dude - privileged.

Instead of running for President, why don’t you try walking on a treadmill?

My life and my career have been a series of happy and not so happy accidents.

It really bothers me when some people say that all cops are racist. Of course that's not true. Most of you are just [expletive] to everybody.

After this is over, I want a shower in a really big bathroom.""I'll get us the penthouse.""What makes you think you'll be sharing it with me?""I live in hope.

You say good-bye, and you think you'll be free. But I'll be awaiting you, in your final destiny.

femelu could not understand this, her mother’s ability to tell herself stories about her reality that did not even resemble her reality

There's nothing of any importance in life — except how well you do your work. Nothing. Only that. Whatever else you are, will come from that. It's the only measure of human value.

Because of what America is and what America has done, a firmer courage, a higher hope, inspires the heart of all humanity.

That God became man indicates only this: that man should not seek his salvation in eternity, but rather establish his heaven on earth.

I don't know if I'm teaching my kids right, but you have to go with your own instincts. You can't be so sure that other people are going to do right by you.

Two years were all we had, love," she whispered, "and we squandered them.

I'm close to my mother, and I could sit talking on the phone with her all day.

There's always tons of crap music people are trying to sell us - [it's] the same way with publishers and galleries.