My paintings and comedy have a lot in common. They are both improvisations based on observation.

God is in my head, but the devil is in my pants.

I've always been proud of being a Marine. I won't hesitate to defend the Corps.

Well, the most terrible fear that anybody should have is not war, is not a disease, not cancer or heart problems or food poisoning - it's a man or a woman without a sense of humor.

I couldn't wait for success, so I went ahead without it.

I have a photographic memory; I just haven't developed it yet.

If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to it.

I may not be playing with a full deck but I don't need a full deck. I have four aces.

When you wear so many hats in society, you never know who you are. That's the beauty of it. Because once you find out who you are, you're screwed.

Nothing is impossible. Some things are just less likely than others.

I know you can be funny without being filthy.

You can't cling to the side your whole life, that one lesson every parent needs to teach a child is "If you don't want to sink, you better figure out how to swim

When the truth finally catches up to you, don't be a hero and run.

ultimately the decisions we make decide where and if we will wake up some morning.

For me, a hearty "belly laugh" is one of the beautiful sounds in the world.

If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.

It's too hard a life for me. I could only do it - check out in that sense - if I checked out somewhere that was luxurious and within hailing distance of civilization.

I assure you, you will never survive on your wits alone.

Fanatics are, for one thing, boring and, for another, unreliable. They tend to burn out just when you need them.

In 1923 there were no government benefits for immigrants except one: Freedom!

Conformity, humility, acceptance with these coins we are to pay our fares to paradise.