My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia?" Shelia had died at birth.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Time is what we have in this life, and how we use it determines what our life is.

My friends are the friends I've had forever, that's kept me very sane.

I'm nothing if not an optimist.

My drive is something that I don't fully understand.

Pray we for the Clergy; that they may rightly divide, that they may rightly walk; that while they teach others, themselves may learn.

What your mind cannot master it will eventually resent.

My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?

Envy always implies conscious inferiority wherever it resides.

What a heap of ash most political careers amount to, when one really stops to consider them!

Criticism, though dignified from the earliest ages by the labours of men eminent for knowledge and sagacity, has not yet attained the certainty and stability of science.