My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.

Sometimes I wonder what magic encircles all of us, what we could do if we were sensitive enough to unearth it.

Unless we can interpret that ecstatic trip in a way that better grounds our physical reality, trance isn’t worth much.

She sat silent, looking straight ahead. What did he care about the hot sun on her head? What did she care? Nothing worse could possibly happen to her.

When faith is lost, when honor dies, the man is dead.

Our response to an event is more important than the event itself.

When the soul is ruffled by the remains of one passion, it is more disposed to entertain a new one than when it is entirely curedand at rest from all.

Running gives you a great opportunity to work stuff out in your head.

Do not be frivolous with the gift of a day. Right now it's all you have. Yesterday is history.

Make as many friends as you can, but don't build your life on them alone. It's an unstable foundation.

You know, at 35 or at 38 or 40 you really start to see what your body could look like if you just don't do anything all winter long. So that's another motivating factor, our vanity.