My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

Love is more than flirty feelings and fun dates. It's about what lives underneath the surface. The commitment you keep even when life gets hard and all the fuzzy feelings fade.

It's not about perfect. It's about effort. And when you bring that effort every single day, that's where transformation happens. That's how change occurs.

You ought to enjoy the rhythm of the sacred ride.

Living according to God's standards is an acquired taste.

You don't lead by hitting people over the head - that's assault, not leadership.

The hard left is a very small section of the British population and I myself am not hard left. I am a traditional Labour left-winger.

About the nicest thing God ever invented was alcohol. He's proud of it, too. The Bible's full of kind remarks about booze.

I am one of those that always get accidentally guillotined when the Great Day of Liberation comes, because ... I guess ... I am full of parentheses. Revolutions can't abide parentheses.

Any legislator who says he doesn't see the downside hasn't done his homework

Tired people aren't witty