My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

It's especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.

As truly as God by His power oncecreated, so truly by that same power must God every moment maintain.

I got this." Dank Walker

We may be through with the past, but the past is not through with us.

You make a lot of mistakes. I haven't seen that movie [The Lost World] in 20 years. But if I saw it, I'm sure I could pick out a whole lot of mistakes.

In my insides, it really hurts if someone doesn't like me. It's silly.

The roles that I am attracted to are women who try to do something about their lives, and not a woman who waits for some circumstance or man to come rescue her. I have no interest in that.

It's just about really being sensitive, and trying to play a music that is about music.

I automate some tasks and delegate many others. Doing research, job organization, data processing, field surveys, and plan preparation can be tedious, detailed work.

And you’re not afraid of it ending?” “Sure I am. But I’d rather have something this good for a little while than have nothing forever.