My personal style is over-the-top dowager. The old days they said get dressed and take one thing off, I say get dressed and put one thing on.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Your voice is so mellifluous that I can listen to you forever.

Trees are where Nature has simply begun

A wound won't heal if you keep touching it.

The day of judgment will be a day when the skeletons come out of the closets! And each of us will be standing there to face the record.

It is time to do away with work place policies that belong in a Mad Men episode.

Everything about it was false. Right then, in that office, with the realization that no one knew the truth about my life, my thoughts about the world were shaken.

A man after God's own heart is... a man who yearns to please God, a man who desires to grow spiritually, a man who had a heart that obeys.

Businesses must invest in products and people in order to create new wealth.

O, let my land be a land where Liberty Is crowned with no false patriotic wreath, But opportunity is real, and life is free, Equality is in the air we breathe.