My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

People wonder why I always dress professionally. I want to be admired for my intelligence, instead of my body.

What is it that makes a person insist passionately on the existence of metaphysical realities that can be neither demonstrated nor refuted? (176)

We win some, we lose some, but there is always some.

There is a big difference in wanting to and willing to.

It is inevitable that some defeat will enter even the most victorious life. The human spirit is never finished when it is defeated... it is finished when it surrenders.

Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.

Amateurs in professional situations make me very impatient.

Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing.

Of all facial expressions, which is the worst to have aimed at you? Wouldn't you agree it's disgust?

You can prevent your opponent from defeating you through defense, but you cannot defeat him without taking the offensive.