My radio show, I'd show up, I'd read the data, and I would have sound bites and stuff like that.

If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks.

Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing.

If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.

What bothers me most about today is that we're getting used 2 it. ENOUGH. 2nd amendment must go. Violence has 2 stop. Culture MUST change.

You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.

When human beings stop progressing at an endeavor, they stop enjoying it and move on to something else. Not golfers. Masochists, all of them.

I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon. I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual harassment suit, more frustrating.

If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go with the leg kick.

I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die.

Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?

We pretended to be of mud instead of stars. We pretended not to fly.

A language is a system of arbitrary vocal symbols by means of which a social group cooperates.

From the errors of others, a wise man corrects his own.

The greatest blessing of our democracy is freedom. But in the last analysis our only freedom is the freedom to discipline ourselves.

Everyone thinks I'm crazy, you know, because I can't tell them the truth; which is, that I'm driven crazy by all these thoughts, all these heads.

Metaphysics is a dark ocean without shores or lighthouse, strewn with many a philosophic wreck.

If you don't change the direction you are going, then you're likely to end up where you're heading.

As an actor you have one great fear: pimples!

I was genuinely happy when I wrote that song [Training Wheels] and very in love. That's a very rare emotion to evoke out of me.

Absolute virtue is as sure to kill a man as absolute vice is, let alone the dullness of it and the pomposities of it.