My real life is funnier than anything on TV.

The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

Excuse the mess but we live here.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

Half the world's starving; the other half is trying to lose weight.

Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.

I call myself a 'domestic goddess.

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it's safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house.

Earth is a homicide victim. We lose our children. There are wars. Disease. And God comes strolling by like a cosmic Billie Burke.

If everyone practices the power of their love, there will be happiness and no war.

It's the way we deal with what fate hands us that defines who we are.

Understanding does not cure evil, but it is a definite help, inasmuch as one can cope with a comprehensible darkness.

My feeling about executive bonuses is that any candidate for a chief executive job who even raises the issue of bonuses should be dismissed out of hand.

There's two things that you don't listen to: flattery, which can't help you, and abuse, which can't hurt you. You have to look at the facts.

with the breakdown of the medieval system, the gods of chaos, lunacy, and bad taste gained ascendancy.

I didn't love stickers and unicorns and stuff, but just if I were to ride on the back of a beast to work, I want it to be a frickin' unicorn.

If the poor only had profiles there would be no difficulty in solving the problem of poverty

I rope steers in team roping events. There's a header and a heeler on a roping team, and I'm the heeler.