My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

If you believe in something, then you shouldn’t give up on it.

Like every poor person, I used to dream about winning the lottery. I didn't just get money, though. I got fame. And I got fame before I got money, and it was scary.

God sends you into a situation not so that He can show He is God; but rather for you to show who you are!

I felt I came back rather quickly from being ill and didn't give myself the time to reflect.

I like to think I opened doors for other women, although that wasn't my original intention.

No one lies so boldly as the man who is indignant.

Tis a human trait to hate one you have wronged

I'm proud of where I come from. A lot of people leave Mississippi, and their claim to fame is somewhere else. But I have so many moral values that made me the person I am now.

Thou hast the keys of Paradise, oh, just, subtle, and mighty opium!

We like to believe our fashion is growing.