My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

Your imaginations are not beyond creation, only God's imaginations exceeds all creation.

To feel the joy of presence, do not try to express or impress.

My dad was an editor and a writer, and that's actually what I aspired to be.

We must wrestle earnestly in prayer, like men contending with a deadly enemy for life.

How strong is a faith that can't stand up to a few honest questions?

I have not been a success, and probably never will be.

The poor have much to teach you. You have much to learn from them.

If Donald Trump is president, he will appoint liberals.

An hour's terror is better than a lifetime of timidity.

It you want to be somebody, If you want to go some where, you've got to wake up and pay attention