My school days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years.

On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't, he said: Do you mind if I mug you here?

When I wake up on a Monday morning and I realise I don't have to go and work at the civil service, I really think I've won.

I was trying to organise my DVDs into a sort of chronological order, and I am afraid that it all trailed off after the Sixties.

I don't consider myself a fashion victim. I consider fashion a victim of me.

I'll never forget my first experience of swede. It was at school and I thought I was getting mashed potato. I've never got over it.

I remember being fascinated by the very nature of comedy from the age of 10; why is this funny, and that isn't?

All disc jockeys are without talent. Noel Edmonds - I can't stand Noel Edmonds.

If you stay in a house and you go to the bathroom and there is no toilet paper, you can always slide down the banisters. Don't tell me you haven't done it.

I don't always vote in general elections, but I think I've always voted Labour.

If you became a comedian in the '80s, you had to work the circuit and make people laugh. Canned laughter is cheating.

Once in a while i am struckall over again... by just how blue the sky appears .. on wind-played autumn mornings, blue enoughto bruise a heart.

Never talk for half a minute without pausing and giving others a chance to join in.

What does an atheist scream when they come?

If I could play any superhero, I'd probably want to play Wonder Woman. She's pretty awesome.

Dessert without cheese is like a beauty with only one eye

I really recommend that anyone who wants to write have a very physical hobby that takes you away from books and criticism, because it teaches you, it informs you, and it changes your writing.

Chicago keeps getting all these complete games. Im expecting 50 cent hot dogs.

Each moment spent searching is also a moment spent finding.

Traffic is only one of the side effects of growth

Ice cubes sell more alcohol for the distilling industry than sexy models in cheesecake poses.