My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Everyone in this world is your kin, so be kind to everyone and rude to no one.

You can't beat the beehive for glam punkette attitude.

Mickey Mouse was supposed to be called Mortimer, but Walt Disney’s wife found it creepy

If your job was remotely interesting, there would be a show on A&E about it.

When you ignore what people are saying on a daily basis, calling for the annihilation of your country, you are ignoring them at your own risk.

Librarian like Stewardess, Certified Public Accountant, Used Car Salesman is one of those occupations that people assume attract a certain deformed personality.

Over-civilization and barbarism are within an inch of each other. And a mark of both is the power of medicine-men.

I've always found that the most beautiful people, truly beautiful inside and out, are the ones who are quietly unaware of their effect.

I'm a character actor; that's my skill set.

I'm not writing just classic-sounding songs, but songs that come from experience.