My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

Remember that the happiest people are not those getting more, but those giving more.

Some time curiosity kill's you but it still worth to Die for

The uneducated person perceives only the individual phenomenon, the partly educated person the rule, and the educated person the exception.

Some women are good-looking … until they change their hairstyle.

Good actions ennoble us, we are the sons of our own deeds.

[Republicans] swapped principle for power. They ended up with neither. They deserved to lose.

A typical day in the life of a heavy metal musician consists of a round of golf and an AA meeting.

People succeed at just about anything they're genuinely enthusiastic about.

No one really understands a family but the people in it and even they each understand it differently.

You fear them because you fear death, and rightly: for death is terrible and must be feared,' the mage said...'And life is also a terrible thing,' Ged said, 'and must be feared and praised.