My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

To quote Gandhi yet again, "If I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.

We were too greedy, grasping for immortality too soon. Perhaps if we had only been patient, content to wait, we would all have forever in the end.

Is there anything so wretched as to look at a man of fine abilities doing nothing?

I've laid out a platform that I think would begin to remedy some of the problems we have in the criminal justice system.

We vote - if the public votes 50 percent, we vote 70 percent. So we have a bigger impact with our numbers, and the organization and the manpower we can bring to a race.

How soft indeed the song of butterflies eating.

Rule of art: let half-blind purpose lead you.

I have the same malice in my heart as far as the fight game is concerned, but outside the ring, I won't say anything a dignified man won't say.

We need a consistent conservative, someone who has stood for free market principles, who has stood for the Constitution and, critically, who stood for the working men and women of this country.

Singing and entertainment are now my first priority.