My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

No one likes a person that "should of" all over the place.

Never grow a wishbone daughter where your backbone ought to be.

There are still people that have been held for human rights that shouldn't be held for just speaking their mind.

Faith gives the assurance that our lives and our history have a moral design.

I do the extra... When you do the extra you should never doubt yourself... every fight I have a smile on my face because I know I've done it all.

Probably nothing serious or worthwhile can be accomplished without one's willingness to be alone for sustained periods of time, which is not to say that one must live alone, obsessively.

Machismo makes no provision for preparing lunch, doing the laundry, or minding the baby.

You never know what the future brings.

I define anxiety as experiencing failure in advance.

Every little movement has a meaning of its own.