My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

There are two kinds of teachers: the kind that fill you with so much quail shot that you can't move, and the kind that just gives you a little prod behind and you jump to the skies.

The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be - and when they're not, we cry.

The whole idea of civilization as an understandable narrative is a bit nuts. It's the most problematic of delusions.

Buy a man a beer, and he wastes an hour. Teach a man to brew, and he wastes a lifetime.

You cannot just waste time. Otherwise you'll die to regret it.

The great risk is always saying, "how will I communicate what I'm trying to get across to a room full of strangers sitting in the dark watching a stage?"

I try to always be in touch with my emotions so that I'm mentally clear.

I mean, sleeping with the same woman, night after night. Boring!

Television is an isolating experience, sadly enough. I'm sorry to say it. But as good as it ever gets, it's still isolating. You sit in your home and visit with no one.

Everyone's story matters.