My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Peace is not found by seeking it but in simply letting it be.

It's an ember forever burning in my heart. It's a reminder Caleb will live forever.

Innocence must die young if it isn't to kill the souls of men

Ultimately, health care fails the most basic test. It's not organized around the needs of the patient.

Commitment. This is my favorite word because in some way, people who are committed are always much more interesting and much more reliable, and much more, I would say, deep than people who are not.

I must be the only player in the world who ever injured himself for a tournament by stepping on a shell on the beach. I don't know what I'm going to do.

I think you have a moral responsibility when you've been given far more than you need, to do wise things with it and give intelligently.

It seems like you can't actually have really bad hair or be bald and run for President of the United States.

You are worth so much more than points on a scoreboard or wins vs. losses. The best athletes I know are also some of the best people I've ever met.

Return to the villages means a definite, voluntary recognition of the duty of bread labour and all its connotes.