My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

I used to go to the library all the time when I was kid. As a teenager, I got a book on how to write jokes at the library, and that, in turn, launched my comedy career.

We're all living contradictions, trying to survive in a world filled with hypocrites

Aristotle... a mere bond-servant to his logic, thereby rendering it contentious and well nigh useless.

Become the kind of person who brightens a room just by entering it.

Prayer is the greatest force that we can wield. It is the greatest talent which God has granted us. He has given it to every Christian.

It is through others that we become ourselves.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

When people are nasty, it gets everybody's attention, and it gives them a name.

I sold my soul to the devil. Lucifer will have my soul.

What do I believe? I do not know; I do not know; I do not know.