My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Only beards can't make you count as a man, you need to have respect for women in your heart for that.

The mystic, identifying neither with his-her race-religion-gender nor with any mind-made blunder, lives and dies in One's splendor.

But it's not a cancer book, because cancer books suck.

Everyone's dream can come true if you just stick to it and work hard.

The highest point of yesterday should be the lowest point of today

The kundalini rises and the kundalini is hot, it's a hot energy. Sometimes you feel it cascading up your spine, and it's kind of searing or it's tingling, it almost feels sexual.

Facts from paper are not the same as facts from people. The reliability of the people giving you the facts is as important as the facts themselves.

Let Fortune empty her whole quiver on me, I have a soul that, like an ample shield, Can take in all, and verge enough for more; Fate was not mine, nor am I Fate's: Souls know no conquerors.

...there are days when I feel I can do anything and days when I feel I can do nothing. But fortunately for those around me, neither sort occurs very often.

All of a sudden you're like the Bin Laden of America. Osama Bin Laden is the only one who knows what I'm going through.