My stand-up act? I combine the fact that the world is a violent place with the fact that each person is responsible for the situation they are in.

I think Helen of Troy must have been pretty hot. She got two countries going crazy for 10 years over her.

You can’t make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.

I know nowadays the common wisdom is to celebrate diversity as long as you don't point out that people are different.

I'm just another guy who thinks he's smarter than he is, in a long line of them.

The ancient Greeks were the first ones to say an unexamined life is not worth living. They don't tell you of course what we found out, an examined life not that fascinating either.

The earth is a used Kleenex on the universe's nightstand.

Twitter is one of those dangerous toys that if it gets in the hands of the wrong person you'll have the mind of a 12-year-old masquerading as an adult.

So instead of talking about theoretical ways of ending the war and violence, I say that we have to get rid of the individual asholes in each office and situation.

People say history is boring, and that is true because people are boring. We haven't changed since time began. We're still the same.

I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit.

She must have been very anxious about a first boy friend to fall in love with a Colgate boy

If you are only what you are, You at least have a chance Not to outsmart, But be on a par with yourself And that is worth trying.

Take your message of equality of achievement, take your message of economic dependency, take your message of enslaving the entrepreneurial will and spirit of the American people somewhere else.

I've always looked for the perfect life to step into. I've taken all the paths to get where I wanted. But no matter where I go, I still come home.

For years, Mount Holyoke professor Joseph 'Full Metal Jacket' Ellis had been regaling students, interviewers and friends with gripping stories of his service in Vietnam.

Beneath a mask of selfish tranquility nothing exists except bitterness and boredom.

I actually I don't feel a lot of hate on Twitter very often.

Last time I was sober, man I felt bad, Worst hangover that I ever had. It took six hamburgers, Scotch all night, Nicotine for breakfast just to put me right.

Such is life and life is such and after all it isn't much. First a cradle. Then a hearse. It might have been better, but it could have been worse.

Coquetry is the champagne of love.