My stand-up is far more rooted in reality than my Twitter.

Running is special. We've all done it: well, poorly, focused, in fear, being pursued, toward a goal. It's just elemental. Running is like fire.

Cats probably wouldn't need 9 lives if they wore tiny little helmets and didn't smoke cigarettes.

It's probably not love if you don't press your face to the toilet seat after they've used it to feel their warmth.

If you have an opinion on what other adults do consensually with other adults when they take their pants off, you're a weirdo.

I can't 'make' you love me. But I can fill my pantry with your favourite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75.

I think your ambition for something changes as you go.

It's hard for me to get embarrassed, but the things that do embarrass me would be if anybody ever heard my wife and I talking in our robust, made-up language.

On stage, I'm me. I'm a husband, I'm a dad, I'm a guy, I'm a mess - but I am a cohesive thing that you recognize as one human entity saying these things that he generally believes.

It's a good idea to have a break, to let your mind rest and so you can start to cultivate ideas.

It makes me sad that corporations and media and Hollywood conspire to make people feel terrible about their bodies from the second they wake up ,so I sort of try to subversively undercut that.

Glorious death is a transition into heavenly glories

We deem those happy who from the experience of life have learned to bear its ills without being overcome by them.

Baby, in a world without pity Do you think what I'm askin's too much I just want to feel you in my arms Share a little of that Human Touch.

Birth is the start of loneliness and loneliness the start of poetry.

The province of philosophy is not so much to prevent calamities befalling as to demonstrate that they are blessings when they have taken place.

The rigid volunteer rules of right and wrong in sports are second only to religious faith in moral training.

Distortion upon distortion: . . . the more one uses the mind, the more confused one becomes.

We'll show you that you can build a mind from many little parts, each mindless by itself.

The power of a good film is to engage you and draw you into its world.

It's okay to be envious - but only of the person you aspire to become.