My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

I was taught to strive not because there were any guarantees of success but because the act of striving is in itself the only way to keep faith with life.

...but you - women like you are dangerous- ominous – take care, Love – men will first fear you, then later, turn you into a deity...

They would come down in Mississippi, they hired me as a talent scout. And I would go all over Mississippi, Alabama, Texas, and find out different artists for them.

The wealthy seldom possess wealth: oftener they are possessed by it.

When your parent is a public idol, you never really have a chance to lay that parent to rest.

Hatred ever kills, love never dies. Such is the vast difference between the two... The duty of a human being is to diminish hatred and to promote love.

If I got a flight to catch and I just bought a half o-z, I'll smoke it all - I can't get weed on a plane, 'cause I've been red-flagged.

I am the worst judge of how a movie is going to do. I always have great and ambitious hopes, but none of them see the light of day.

The most powerful speaking you can do is the speaking that comes from your heart and your love.