My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

It’s entirely on our children to build their best futures. Not on us, parents. And we should be imprinting this message on our children’s brains from as early as possible.

Pain, or pleasure. I could not tell where one ended and the other began.

Sugar and caffeine. My willpower crumbled.

I get offered movies probably twice a month and they are just generally bad.

All forces that reside in the body are angels.

This is what we’ve been waiting for, this is the cyberchryst moment. This is when the activists that have been pushing against the FED are going to win.

I've learned to judge of men by their own deeds; I do not make the accident of birth The standard of their merit.

I tried to speak in a cool, calm way, but the zombie rose up in my throat and choked me off.

Stalin and Mao killed over 80 million and did not make omelets despite the broken eggs.