My velvet Elvis means the world to me. Although he may not be worth much dough, he means more to me than some old Rembrandt or Van Gogh.

It doesn't take a military genius to see we'll all be crispy critters after World War III.

As my father used to tell me, the only true sign of success in life is being able to do for a living that which makes you happy.

In heaven there is no beer. That's why we drink ours here.

If money can't buy happiness, then I guess I'll have to rent it.

You got me stranded on the bungee tower of love.

I'm still a geek on the inside, that's the important thing.

At this point I've got a bit of a track record. So people realize that when 'Weird Al' wants to go parody, it's not meant to make them look bad... it's meant to be a tribute.

If you want to avoid heated arguments, never discuss religion, politics, or whether the toilet paper roll should go over or under.

As a wise man once said, “April Fools Day is for amateurs. You NEVER need an excuse to mess with people's heads.”

Nows the time to go for all the gusto you can grab. You'll have plenty of time to be low-key when you're laid out on the slab.

The force is within you force yourself.

There are two kinds of cryptography in this world: cryptography that will stop your kid sister from reading your files, and cryptography that will stop major governments from reading your files.

Don't ever write a novel unless it hurts like a hot turd coming out.

There are no laws for the novel. There never have been, nor can there ever be.

Individual freedom and individual equality cannot co-exist. I dare say no one since Thomas Jefferson has really believed it.

Write a smart joke and people want to talk about it and keep the dialogue going. Also, if you can make someone laugh, it's a pronouncement that they like you on some level.

In the absence of feedback, people will fill in the blanks with a negative. They will assume you don’t care about them or don’t like them.

It is better to live poorly upon the fruits of God's goodness than live plentifully upon the products of our own sin.

The mind must be allowed to settle undisturbed over the object in order to secrete the pearl.

If all the year were playing holidays; To sport would be as tedious as to work.