My whole comic persona is that of a guy who explores the id: I romanticize gluttony, I romanticize laziness, and people identify with that.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

Health care and education are too important NOT to be left to the free market.

No fear is unbearable, she concluded, unless you've got time on your hands and a healthy imagination.

The present moment is the only one that matters, and what you are doing right now is as delightful as anything else.

If life were predictable it would cease to be life, and be without flavor.

From the time I was 8 years old I was on almost every radio show there was.

A giant thirst is a great joy when quenched in time.

Women, more often than not, do things which aren't remotely relaxing but are all about preening, which is just another sort of work.

Art thou angry with him whose armpits stink? Art thou angry with him whose mouth smells foul?

I got what I wanted. I wanted a win.

Upon these two foundations, the law of nature and the law of revelation, depend all human laws.