My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

If God the Father and God the Son use light, knowledge, insight, understanding and wisdom to function on the earth, it means that is the greatest power in existence.

I always knew I had a relationship with God. But I wasn't sure God had a relationship with me.

[Donna] Brazile had sent an email to a top [Hillary] Clinton aide the day before the town hall warning of just that question with almost the identical wording.

Things happening around the world are affecting you and me.

When I was in the war, I was lucky that I was in a plane and never saw the carnage close-up.

I am dying of hunger.

A wise man can play the part of a clown, but a clown can't play the part of a wise man.

There is no insurmountable solitude.

No eulogy is due to him who simply does his duty and nothing more.

I won't even take jobs where you get paid to sit with a group of friends and party. That's never been my vibe.