My wife always asks me why I don't make the bed. And I respond with the same reason why I don't tie my shoes after I take them off.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

She was the kind of girlfriend God gives you young, so you'll know loss the rest of your life.

I hate books they only teach us to talk about things we know nothing about.

Think of me getting up before 6, I'm at work by 7 and I continue until 6.30 in the evening, standing up all the time, nine canvases. It's murderous.

We cannot ignore the disparity in resources that continue to plague many of our school systems, especially those serving predominantly inner-city minority and impoverished children.

Packed with detailsplendidly depicts passion, brutality, and cultures in conflict.

One doesn't just wander unvetted into someone else's epic interstellar future history.

A doctor's reputation is made by the number of eminent men who die under his care.

If the search is for examples that contradict the predictions of standard economic models, a good rule of thumb is to start in France.

There are only two things you can invest: Time & Money. Of the two, Time is more important.

We're going to see leadership emerge as the most important element of business - the attribute that is highest in demand and shortest in supply.