My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

We acquire insightful lessons of life in moments of failure than success.

This book belongs to the most rare of men. Perhaps not one of them is yet alive. First the day after tomorrow must come for me. Some men are born posthumously.

You only live once in your life.Decide the the path to be travel by you in this life.

Distrust of government isn't baseless cynicism. It's realism.

Easy was for people too weak to suck it up and do what needed to be done. And I wasn’t weak. Not anymore.

The world is rid of Lord Byron, but the deadly slime of his touch still remains.

Forever Young, by Dylan, is one of my favorite songs.

To indulge it is to breed it. To punish it is to feed it. Madness knows no bridle but the knife.

We're connected to God through faith and Satan through fear.

An appreciation for high fashion does not preclude possession of common sense.